Life is Not One Size Fits All

The fact that I was given up for adoption indicates to me that my birth mother had three choices when she became pregnant with me: raise me, give me up for adoption, or abort me. She had three choices because there were people in this world who believed in fighting for the right of choice. She had the right to make her own decision about her own body. On a completely selfish level I couldn’t be happier that my mother decided to give me up for adoption because that meant a chance at life.

I also think about the challenges of raising children. Not because I have children but because I was a child, know children, and know plenty of parents. The decisions and sacrifices that parents make on a daily basis are amazing. I consider my partner’s mother who spent the past 19 years of her life caring for her youngest, physically challenged son because, despite his inability to speak but a few words, his constant need for attention, and his inability to walk, sit up, or stand, she absolutely loves him with everything that she has. There are no cures for his combination of diagnosis of a brain disease and Cerebral palsy in combination with blindness and a list of others. Even though her quality of life suffers she does everything to make sure her son’s doesn’t.

I think about my partner’s son who called me in a state of shock and fright when he found out that his girlfriend, pregnant with his second child, was having pregnancy complications and all tests indicated that their child would be born with birth defects. He couldn’t bear the thought of terminating the pregnancy, however the complications would also put his girlfriend’s life at risk. Two months and many complications later, mother nature intervened and she miscarried. It was a huge loss to both of them but a relief because they didn’t have to make the decision of terminating the pregnancy or possibly losing both mother and child during birth. Despite the emotional turmoil they have since married and are expecting again.

I also think a great deal about my rights and how there are people within my community preventing me from marrying the person I love most in the world just because that person happens to be my same gender. I believe that I should have the right to marry and find it difficult to understand why my desire and ability to marry should matter to someone who lives up the street or attends the church at the end of the block.

The most important thing I think about is how the right to make decisions about life are not so black and white. The stakes are not all the same. Life, and how much we can take of it, doesn’t necessarily fit everyone the same. We don’t know how we would handle situations or that we would even handle the same situation the same way a second time around. We do however have to own up to our decisions, relying on the fact that we are at least able to make them instead of taking them for granted.

Take Sex Out

The Republican Party is trying, desperately, to rebrand and market the GOP in an attractive way that will bring younger followers and fresh new ways to fuck up the United states. So I thought why not rebrand the “Gay Marriage” debate. From this point forward let’s just call it “Same Gender Marriage”.

The fact that we’ve been calling it “Same Sex Marriage” is what is shriveling up the figurative GOP junk. Like most immature prepubescent boys, the word “sex” gets the men of the GOP all excited. They giggle on the inside and then make inappropriate gestures, like preventing gays from rights and protection, while giving blow jobs in bathrooms at airports. It just doesn’t make sense.

So, I thought maybe, if they weren’t busy thinking about sex when deciding on my rights to marry, the law and commonsense would help them change their interpretation of the law by granting same-gender marriage rights. It isn’t about sex just as it isn’t about the church. Once the GOP “yeah you know me” mentality stops to actually think about rights for all people, things should make perfect sense. I don’t believe that us gays are asking too much.

Take a moment

Please, if you do nothing more today, I encourage you to celebrate the love for your family and those close to you. Sadness, loss, tragedy can strike at any time. Call your mother, or father, your sister, brother, uncle, cousin. Call your friends or neighbors or classmates. Tell them anything. Just say “hi”.

You Dropped Your Religion Card

Should the court order requiring Daniel Hauser, a 13-year-old with Hodgkins Lymphoma, undergo chemotherapy treatment be upheld despite his parents wishes? Seems to be the big moral decision of the week, now that the whole Carrie Prejean debacle has been reduced to a simmer.

Daniel’s parents, Anthony and Colleen Hauser, arguably, have legal guardianship and certain obligations as his parents. They also have the right to raise their son to the best of their abilities. That’s where the issue gets blurred. Are they looking out for the best interest for their son? Daniel’s parents claim that they don’t want him to receive the chemotherapy for religious reasons. Yet it was reported that the chemotherapy treatment made Daniel unable to walk.

Wait! They allowed a round of chemotherapy already? That negates the religion argument. The religion card is no longer eligible for play. Not to mention the test results supporting the reduction in the cancer after the first treatment. What is the real reason for not wanting to provide help for their son? And what if the courts were to reverse the decision to force the chemotherapy? What pain management would Daniel receive should the lymphoma become too much to bear? Western Medicine? Is Colleen Hauser sentencing her son to potentially painful death?

A warrant was issued for Colleen Hauser and Daniel who failed to appear for a hearing on May 19, 2009 according to the The Star Tribune . Just what is she running from? The case against her isn’t getting better. Like cancer untreated, things are getting worse.

My immediate response is yes, the courts have no choice but to step in for the 13-year-old who is unfortunate enough to have parents unwilling to take the necessary steps towards saving his life. And, perhaps more unfortunate, is the fact that he may not be able to make an informed decision for himself. I will not pretend to know Daniel’s ability to make medical decisions, however I assume the decision between life and death would be a difficult one to make. In this case, the doctors have provided a treatment proven to eradicate the cancer at a 90% success rate. Doctors have also informed Daniel that refusing the chemotherapy, his chance of survival is reduced to 5% chance. Those are some odds. What would you do? Personally I’d ask them to sign me up.

My wish for Daniel would be that he could sit down with Ted Kennedy who announced today that his cancer is in remission and that he’ll be returning to work. This is the influence that Daniel needs. The evidence of survival, the fight, the triumph over cancer. I don’t have any idea what living with cancer is like. However if I could chose life, I would. Hard to believe Daniel’s parent wouldn’t. Cancer, while so often shortens life, is not always a death sentence.

Testing out the blog via email.

So glad that there is such a thing as posting to my blog via email. Now i can blog on the run!!

Being gay is not about what I do in bed – it’s about what I do out of it

I have reason to be bothered by the fact that there are “high profile” gays in the LGBT community who have the ability to dictate our reputation. Some of these men and women deserve respect, while others simply turn against the LGBT community, misrepresenting what the “gay movement” is really about.

While I often admire Dan Savage for his influence in the community, he disappointed me last night on Real Time with Bill Maher saying, “as the only cock sucker on the panel,” as introduction to the discussion of gay marriage. While I can appreciate and embrace shock value, it is important to keep in mind that gay “spokespersons” are responsible for representing the reasons why we should be entitled to marry instead of bringing the sexual acts of homosexuals into the minds of those who already have fear and hate for gays. Ironically, Amy Holmes, was also on the panel. So either Dan outed her as lesbian (who knows) or she’s never had her lips around a penis (I’m not going to presume anything). But I’m tired of “cock-sucking” being just about gays. It isn’t.

“High profile” gays become, for some impressionable youth, an idol or a mentor. They are also often the only role models for youth questioning their sexual identity. Because they have made themselves (or been made) publicly visible, youth attempt to identify with them. There are so many better role models for gay youngsters who aren’t provided the opportunity or platform to express the myriad of reasons why identifying yourself as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered is okay.

Comments, like the ones made by Dan, are distracting to the gay movement, perpetuating stereotypes. What we as a community seek has nothing to do with the type of sexual behavior we participate in. It does have to do with equality and obtaining the same civil rights as heterosexuals. I just long for better examples for heterosexuals and youth in need of role models. The decision to come out is a difficult one. Anything we can do to prevent the misrepresentation of the LGBT community is needed. Being gay is not about what I do in bed – it’s about what I do out of it.

Putting Gay back in Marriage

If you have ever been to a wedding, been in a wedding, known anyone married, or planned a wedding, you are aware of the amount of time, energy, and money invested, long-term, into the final event. The most well-planned wedding most likely spent at least one year in the trickle-spend, planning phase. Starting with the announcements, Save-the-Date cards, invitations, flowers, tuxedos/dresses, limos, accommodations, the venue, the help, caterers, etc. All slowly sipping from the bank accounts of future brides and grooms, producing a demand for products and services. Products and services cost money. Taxes are generated when products and services are purchased. Do you see where I am headed here?

Several years ago it was believed that 10% of the population was either Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, or Transgender (LGBT). Personally, I’m thinking that number is on the rise, especially as the collective we become more accepting of the simple fact that “gay” is not a fad. Now imagine that 10% of a population (give or take) if given the right to marry, wouldn’t that stimulate the economy?

Not only would there be an increase in the number of weddings but granting civil rights to a significant group of people might even help to improve the moral of the nation in addition to stimulating the economy. Happy people, who believe in equality (and I’m not just talking about the LGBT community), civil rights, and the government most definitely are going to be more willing to buy more things. Especially all the wedding gifts. I think Joan Rivers said it best when she told Larry King Monday night:

Gay marriage, I am so against it because all my gay friends are out. And if they get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.

Fortunately her comments about being against gay marriage were tongue in cheek, however she wasn’t kidding about the amount of money she’d be spending on gifts. According to commentary, “Economic benefits of gay marriage:Commentary: More weddings mean more spending, less government aid,” posted in the online publication Market Watch, research indicates allowing gay marriage would encourage our economy:

Forbes magazine says an immediate windfall of about $17 billion could be had if gay marriage were made legal nationally. The magazine conducted the analysis several years ago and determined that “one thing is abundantly clear: Legalizing same-sex marriages would mean a windfall for the wedding industry.” Weddings are a $70 billion-a-year business.

I don’t think anyone can argue with a $17 billion dollar boost. It isn’t just the economic boost to commercial and retail industry to consider. Permitting gay marriage would also stimulate local government by increase in revenue from the issuance of marriage licenses. The fact that they’ll be expanding their customer base will result in better customer service – it is just one less group to turn away or say “no” to. Gay marriage just makes sense. There was a time when “gay” meant a whole different thing. I think its time we made more marriages gay.

Every Mother

Mother’s Day sends me wondering, just where is the woman who brought me into this world? Over the years I have had an active imagination about her whereabouts or her identity. She’s been famous, she’s been a traveller, she’s been poor, and super wealthy. She’s been a writer, and actress, and a zoo keeper. Every time I imagine who she is she’s someone and something different. And, every time I think of her she’s also always been the same – my mother.

There have been many times when I have doubted that I really was adopted. It could have all been just a mean joke my parents thought they’d play on me. Their way of explaining away my differences to their family and friends. My younger sister wasn’t adopted… why did I have to be? But as I grew older and slightly wiser, I began to appreciate the fact that I was adopted for what it meant to me and my family.

It is hard to say who I respect more: my birth mother or my adoptive mother. My adoptive mother, and the woman I call, “mom,” made the decision to open her heart to another woman’s child and raise it as her own, while my birth mother, knowing she may not have been capable of providing for me, made the decision to trust that someone out there would be more able to do just that.

How do you thank or appreciate an absent or unknown mother? It isn’t the same as a mother with whom you have spent your entire life fighting with or a mother who has passed away. There isn’t anything that is known. No address to send flowers nor a headstone to visit, just an overwhelming feeling of curiosity.

I have an amazing respect for mothers. All mothers. Single mothers who sacrifice to care for their children, mother’s of murdered children, and mother’s of children behind bars, mothers married to soldiers off fighting wars, mothers with children off fighting wars, mothers of children with cancer, mothers of children with mental and physical challenges, the mothers of my closest friends, and mothers I don’t even know, the mother of my partner, my adoptive mother, my birth mother.

When I think about Mother’s Day it really sends me wondering about just how blessed I am to know more than one Mom.

Opposites Attract… a Reaction to Carrie Prejean’s Take on Marriage

Carrie “Beauty Queen” Prejean favors “opposite” marriage. You know what? So do I, really. In this theatrical production called, “Life,” my partner stars opposite me. There, I’ve said it. I actually like “opposite” marriage. Yes, we’re both men and perhaps not the preferred “opposites” of “Beauty Queen” Prejean, but opposite enough that our relationship works. Did you expect me to be more conservative in my definition of “opposite”, really?

We met in 2005 on the 4th of July. There were literal fireworks that night. And we decided then, without saying it, that this really could work. Two days and one phone call later, we agreed to read the script to get an idea of what this romantic comedy would be all about.

In the beginning we searched out every possible similarity, getting into character and exploration of our prospective roles. Stage fright passed after that first year of demonstrating our character traits: reliability, trust, faithfulness, loyalty, and commitment.

So what makes us good at playing opposite roles? The fact that I like Bjork, while he’s into the Bee Gees. I like to read books, while he enjoys getting his fingernails dirty in the garden. I get poetry while his preference is for sci-fi. He’s tall and thin and far more fit, while I have the disposition to pick up a book and sit. I like sushi and surf and turf, while he’s strictly turf; charred. He’s got a large social circle, while I’m more of an observer.

I would like to thank Carrie Prejean, for reminding me just how important an “opposite marriage” truly is. My partner and I, in the event that Colorado joins the other states recognizing gay marriage, would wed. We’d be honored to share our “opposite” marriage with our supportive families, our friends, and our government. Now if I could just manage to change Carrie Prejean’s mind on the whole matter. Is “opposite” marriage to her some sort of juvenile take on marriage – you know, the way that “backwards day” in elementary school meant wearing your pants backwards. Maybe, just maybe, Carrie “Beauty Queen” Prejean actually favors gay marriage – she just had it backwards.

Click HERE for News related to Carrie Prejean (Chicago Tribune)